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The bad jokes thread
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
Sometimes the worst jokes can be the best. Got any groan-worthy bad jokes? Puns? Anything? Post them here!!!
I’ll go first! 
Why are pirates called ‘pirates’?
Because they ARRRRR!
How many letters ‘R’ do pirates use to say “ARRRRR”?
All of them.
What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?
Nay, ‘tis not an ‘R’, for the pirate’s first love be the ‘C’.
Version 2: Aye.
Version 3: ‘X’, for it marks the location of the booty.
Version 4: ‘P’, for it’s like an ‘R’ but with only one leg.
Why do the residents of Dortmund drink their wine straight out of the bottle?
Because Bayern Munich has all the cups.
Why doesn’t Pakistan have a national football team?
Because every time they’d get a corner, they’d open a shop.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
Two men walk into a bar. You would think the second one would’ve ducked.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
How many Irish men does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to hold the light bulb in place, and nine to drink until the room starts spinning.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a hardware problem. Call an engineer.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Because Germans are efficient and lack a sense of humour.
How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the light bulb and then the universe revolves around him.
How many grammar nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Too.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. But I have no idea how they got in there.
Little known facts:
It was not Alfred Nobel but in fact Chuck Norris who invented dynamite. Chuck was experimenting with powders to make a protein shake.
Chuck Norris once participated in a show of “Celebrity Wheel of Fortune” in the early ‘80s. They’re still waiting for the wheel to stop spinning.
Chuck Norris currently starts his day with a protein shake made out of gunpowder, liquid XTC, enriched uranium, stem cells, egg white from a dodo egg, pure Colombian cocaine, rattlesnake venom and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Chuck Norris once built an entire hospital from the ground up, with his bare hands.
It was the hospital he was born in.
The truth can’t hurt you, it’s just like the dark: it scares you witless but in time you see things clear and stark. - Elvis Costello
Maybe this time I can be strong, but since I know who I am, I’m probably wrong. Maybe this time I can go far, but thinking about where I’ve been ain’t helping me start. - Michael Kiwanuka
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one orders H2O. The second one orders H2O too. The second one dies.
Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm are in a car and get pulled over for speeding.
Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No, but I know exactly where I am.” Heisenberg replied.
The cop says “You were going 108 miles an hour.” Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts “GREAT! Now I’m lost!”
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?”
“We do now, asshole!” shouts Schrödinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
The Big Bang:
And on the Eighth Day, God pointed at Adam and said: “Pull my finger!”
Did you hear the news about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.
How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the refrigerator, put the giraffe inside, close the door.
How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put the elephant inside, close the door.
The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All animals attend, except for one. Which one does not attend?
The elephant. It’s still in the refrigerator.
There’s a river you must cross, but it is inhabited by hungry crocodiles. There’s no bridge for many miles and no boat either. How do you get across?
Just swim across. All the crocodiles are at the animal conference.
How do you know when Tarzan is in your refrigerator?
You can hear him talking with the elephant.
Why did the first koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead as well.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was a koala.
The world’s greatest Knock Knock joke:
What’s purple, and when you throw it against the wall, your neighbour’s phone rings?
Pure coincidence.
I’ve got hundreds more where these came from…
The truth can’t hurt you, it’s just like the dark: it scares you witless but in time you see things clear and stark. - Elvis Costello
Maybe this time I can be strong, but since I know who I am, I’m probably wrong. Maybe this time I can go far, but thinking about where I’ve been ain’t helping me start. - Michael Kiwanuka
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
How many auto mechanics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the wrong-sized bulb, and one to replace the burned-out socket.
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one not to screw in the light bulb.
How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one. They don’t like to share the spotlight!
Chocolate: Here today. Gone today.
What do you call an Arab flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist bastard!
What do you call ten lawyers on the bottom of a lake?
A good start.
What do you call ten Arabs on the bottom of a lake?
A group of divers, you racist bastard!
What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”
The hot dog vendor said “That will be $2.50!” and the Dalai Lama handed him a five.
And waited.
The Dalai Lama said “Hey, where’s my change?”
The hot dog vendor said “Change must come from within.”
The truth can’t hurt you, it’s just like the dark: it scares you witless but in time you see things clear and stark. - Elvis Costello
Maybe this time I can be strong, but since I know who I am, I’m probably wrong. Maybe this time I can go far, but thinking about where I’ve been ain’t helping me start. - Michael Kiwanuka
How many menopausal women does it take to change a lightbulb?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW!
Life is what it is.
Some quality jokes in here ranging from “so bad it’s good” to just plain old “funny as… fudge”.
Except for the Irish joke, of course, that’s very offensive! 
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: “Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”
the idea of jokes being racist is always in the eyes of its beholder, i mean there is NO absolute* racsist joke.
but jokes usually foretold at/for/to a pre-known audience, but this is a public, rather international venue so some matters rather are should be fiddled/tackled with for safety, to avoid hurting someone feelings and they usually unexpected but mucg be respected
one would not gain anything i.e from telling the joke he heard or knows a bit differently, and it doesnt take an author or an editor to makes a change of a word or two of any joke.
of course, and without saying joke is all about making some laugh, and 99.9% race (and similar points) do NOT change them, DO NOT change the idea of them being funny or not,
bc the humor in jokes arent about the toppings (places or characters involved in it) and if these tickled/fiddled with for safety, the racism-meter of any would not change, not even the slightest bit!
so i suggest we keep ethics outta of this thread and change any sorta ethics (or nationalities…etc) at them (again, for safety of course) if we wanna have this thread (going) we can say them all without those tiny bits sensitive matters; Black, white, Jews Arabs…so on and on…., bc again & again i am sure no joke would lose its sense of humor over a specific ethic.
.
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I love this one, the way Norm tells it
A very very sweet man married a very very sweet woman. They had a kid made of maple syrup.
A very very stingy man married a very very stingy woman. They put their kid in a piggy bank.
A very very generous man married a very very generous woman. They gave their kid to charity.
The president of US, France and North Korea were all attending a dinner at the White House. The president of the US was showing his two guests his special pool filled with killer crocodiles. While they were watching, the first lady’s necklace broke and fell into the pool.
The US president, trying to impress the other two, asked his body guard to dive in and retrieve the necklace. To that, the body guard answered:
“Sorry sir but I have a family waiting for me at home”.
The French president asked his body guard the same thing and he answered also:
“Sorry sir but I have a family waiting for me at home”.
The North Korean president asked his body guard the same thing. The body guard dives, punches a few crocodiles, retrieves the necklace and comes out unscathed. Everyone was cheering and clapping for the courageous guy. The US president asked him:“How come you are so courageous that you are willing to jump into a crocodile infested water when asked to?” and to that he answered:
“I have a family waiting for me at home”.
Three idiotic engineers were debating how to fix the problem of potholes in a very busy street.
The first engineer suggested: “We should have a tow truck parked next to the street. Whenever a car pops a tire in one of the potholes, we could tow them to the closest auto shop”.
The second engineer scoffed and suggested: “Instead of being this inefficient, why don’t we build an auto shop right next to the street instead.”
To that the third engineer replied: “You two are really idiotic. Instead of trying to fix the problem, you are just solving the symptoms of the problem. The real solution is to lower the level of the whole city to the level of the potholes. Problem solved!!!”
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.
Chocolate: Here today. Gone today.
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a bar in Paris, drinking a glass of red wine.
As soon as he finishes his glass, the bartender asks “Want another?”
Sartre responds “I think not.” and *poof*. He disappears.
How do you think the unthinkable?
Thimple. With an itheberg!
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A penguin in a blender.
What’s green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
The truth can’t hurt you, it’s just like the dark: it scares you witless but in time you see things clear and stark. - Elvis Costello
Maybe this time I can be strong, but since I know who I am, I’m probably wrong. Maybe this time I can go far, but thinking about where I’ve been ain’t helping me start. - Michael Kiwanuka
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool
What do you call a blonde who dyed her hair black?
Artificial intelligence.
What do you call ablonde with 2 brain cells?
pregnant
A blonde, brunette and red head were stranded in a desert when they fell upon a magic lamp. They rubbed it, and out came a genie and granted them three wishes. The brunette wished she was home, and poof she disappeared. The red head wished the same thing and poof, she also disappeared. The blonde, very frustrated, said:”how could these two leave me alone. I wish they would come back.”
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbub?
1000. One to hold the lamp, and 999 to turn the house.
Some more Chuck Norris facts:
- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
- A black hole is created whenever Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks God.
- Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris-experience.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?
All of it.
If Superman and The Flash hold a race around the world, who wins?
Chuck Norris.
The truth can’t hurt you, it’s just like the dark: it scares you witless but in time you see things clear and stark. - Elvis Costello
Maybe this time I can be strong, but since I know who I am, I’m probably wrong. Maybe this time I can go far, but thinking about where I’ve been ain’t helping me start. - Michael Kiwanuka
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